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Sometimes life hands you beautiful beautiful things, and today on the bus I overheard two gangster-looking guys talking about how “middle school was the shit” because handjobs were still exciting.
The moment was still a little bittersweet, because I’m still annoyed no one wants my handjobs anymore. It’s like how we all used to spend a lot of time getting dizzy on purpose, but now it’s like no thanks I know what beer is.
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I think people spend an inordinate amount of time and energy on the collection of something called a Seck.
Seck, as in “hold on, will you gimme a Seck” or “I haven’t had Secks in nearly four months.” It must be fun or satisfying somehow to own an amount of Secks, because of when women excitedly recount to other women that they “finally had Secks last night!” I assume something about having Secks must involve using or giving them away, because the dogged pursuit of the Seck often renews immediately after having them.
Despite all the credit orgasming women seem to give him, if there is a god, STDs are pretty good evidence he does’t want us having that much sex.
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Most of the amorous experiences of kids our age are like fire drills. We’re not equipped to react correctly when something serious actually happens, and it’s because we’ve spent so much time learning to just shrug, walk away, and go “no big deal, it was just a drill.”
(Like, drill. Like with eyebrows raised suggestively. Like about sex.)
So as part of my ongoing quest to learn to be a girl, I decided to start paying more attention to Cosmo. Something that stuck out maybe the most to me (which is probably why I’m single) is the fact that there is a new ridiculously-long sex tip list out, like, every month – things like 50 things to do with a naked man, 75 bad girl moves, 150 somehow different ways to touch him on the penis, stuff like that.
Seriously, Cosmo’s original pitch must have been some guy leaning forward on a conference table and confidently wagging a finger as he shares the fact that women LOVE shopping, orgasms, and lists, and they’re going to deliver on all those fronts every month. If you add up all the listed items on every issue for every month for every year this magazine’s been out, then compare that to the number of body parts we have – then the number of fun body parts – I think there are bound to be repeats and/or departures from sexual reality, here.
Granted, I’m the girl hypothetically counting these things instead of getting to do what the lists tell me, so maybe don’t consider me all that reliable of a source. I was also trying to figure out how many lists I could fill with the things I can do, and I think it’s like… Less than one. Probably.
My list would be about, say, eight. Eight things. Like to make him think you’re cool, but still allow him to respect you, to dole out sparingly/on special occasions.
I do know that when I gave in and bought a friggin’ issue and left it on the kitchen table, a couple days later I heard my guy roommate yelling from the other room “NO! That is the WORST part of me! No woman is ever going to touch me there!!”
So take Cosmo with a grain of salt, I guess is what I’m trying to say.