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Sometimes life hands you beautiful beautiful things, and today on the bus I overheard two gangster-looking guys talking about how “middle school was the shit” because handjobs were still exciting.
The moment was still a little bittersweet, because I’m still annoyed no one wants my handjobs anymore. It’s like how we all used to spend a lot of time getting dizzy on purpose, but now it’s like no thanks I know what beer is.
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ME: Unemployed and thus too broke to date or entertain myself. Thought I was “too good” for FWB during previous period of employment and told him off. Poor foresight. Real friends are all employed and/or I have lied to them about having a job, thus can’t hang out with them during the day. No food allergies, modest DVD collection, Netflix subscription, easygoing personality, hate people who sing unprompted and/or have exciting travel stories.
YOU: Available during business hours. Not averse to pantslessness, spooning, or pantsless spooning. Don’t sing unprompted. Give good back rubs, or are at least open to constructive criticism. Will kill bugs, but let me try first. Creative cook (I have a potato, Top Ramen, some off-brand Pop Tarts and a whole mess of fruit flies… Any ideas?). Not averse to stealing small amounts of roommate’s food. Will allow me to blame a small, victimless crime on you (it’s been a while and roommate is asking questions). Leave when real friends come over and don’t tell them I have an Unemployment Companion. Defend me when roommate makes fun of me for having an Unemployment Companion, and/or being unemployed. Listen patiently when I feel like venting about roommate. Open to physical possibilities (pending chemistry, etc.), but won’t fall in love with roommate like fucking everybody else. Will look up to me and give me the feeling I’ve got something to teach you, like you are in awe of my wisdom and life experience and just want to listen most of the time and let me hold you, but also hold me because I can’t always be everyone’s rock. Previous experience a bonus.
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College students put up with a lot of things that most adults don’t: food-wise, roommate-wise, easily-avoidable-day-long-hangover-wise.
To try to avoid sharing a room last year, because I decided I was over other people’s boobs but was still working within modest financial limitations, I lived in what used to literally be a coat room. It was so small, it was one broom away from being a broom closet. I wouldn’t let the cat come in because then it’d be crowded. It was so small, it’s not technically considered a planet anymore. It still sat up and paid attention during Enzyte commercials, if you know what I mean. (What I mean is it was really really small.)
Part of me will remember college as that period of time where I tried to put cheap hot sauce on everything and none of it was a good idea.
People say it’s hard to date in college, that the culture doesn’t really allow for it. I disagree – really, the hardest part is lying about finding him online.
I’m especially pissed that guys my age won’t ask me out since even the man pulling bottles out of the garbage bins on Orchard can pause in between the loud turkey noises he’s making to call me sugar and ask me where I live.
In trying the internet dating deal, I noticed that lots of people always have like four pictures of themselves making the exact same expression, at the same angle, in a different setting. I always wonder what horrible face-secret they’re hiding that they won’t show it doing anything else. Like, if I saw him in person would I think boy, he has nice dimp-OH GOD WHAT JUST HAPPENED IS THAT AN ALLERGIC REACTION